This is Grinnell, Iowa, my hometown,
Where my family and all of my friends live.
But I'm not there now.
I'm here. New York City.
Home to eight million people, roughly half of whom are men.
Which means half of the city is genetically predisposed to lie to the other half.
You see, I'm the woman who has the world's worst judgment in men.
I know what you're thinking.
You might think that you do, but you don't. I do.
My grade-school boyfriend, Tommy, left me for...
someone with boobs.
But that's all behind me now.
I have a great job restoring paintings at the Metropolitan Museum.
I'm in the Renaissance art division,
Where the men are easier to deal with.
There you are, handsome.
Alright. So there's this new hottie...
and I swear I'm gonna be gettin' all up in there, and I'm gonna be—
Lisa, you are crossing the sharing boundary again.
But seriously, we have to put in for transfers.
Renaissance is a dead end. We're gonna end up like the menopause triplets there.
What? Hmm?
I don't think I could ever leave Renaissance.
I mean. I would miss these paintings way too much.
I mean, they're just so romantic and—
- Shit. Here comes old man Rankin. Look busy. - Oh! Rat farts!
I am busy. Help me look busy.
- Afternoon, ladies. - When will we go to the Poconos again?
Amanda, I need your help.
Take a look at this piece of crap.
Oh, my God, it's—
That's Titian's The Bacchanal.
Oh! There she goes again.
Look at this man's face here. It's completely lost.
You're gonna have to start from scratch on that.
Put aside your other work, Amanda. This is priority number one for now.
What's with you and this weak-in-the-knees routine?
You do it every time you get a new painting.
I do not. Not every time.
I mean, when I look at this painting,
I can just tell that these people were in love...
and they stayed in love until the day that they died.
Amanda, it's a painting. If this were real life, in two years,
that girl would be pregnant and that guy would be out banging a barmaid.
Maybe that's why I like art better than real life.
They can stay in love forever.
Speaking of real life, aren't you supposed to have one tonight, for a change?
Oh, sh—That's right.
I was gonna surprise Michael with dinner.
What's so funny?
Nothing. Just that you're going to die alone.
What? She's going to die alone!
Seriously, why do I need a personal life if my work makes me happy?
Because work isn't enough. You need someone to share your life with.
And if you give up on that now,
it might not be so easy to find later.
Polly, could I see you in my office?
I need to have a look at the, uh, restoration reports.
Oh, God. Do you think that could be me one day?
No. If it got that bad, I'd shoot you...
and put you out of your misery.
Think I better go see Michael.
Michael?
Uh, Amanda, this... isn't what it looks like.
Huh. It looks like you're having sex...
with a woman from the cover of a lingerie catalog.
In our bed. Uh—
Mandy, you know what your problem is? Hmm?
You think everybody's basically good, and you fall for them right away.
There are four million men in New York. Why can't I find one good one?
Just one. Just one. You know? Just one.
Remember when you saw the Titian and you got weakin the knees?
Have you ever felt that way about a guy?
Lisa, please.
Real women don't get weak in the knees over some guy.
Yeah, but most woman don't get weak in the knees over a painting.
Well, l—I understand paintings,
and I know what I feel for them is real.
Men, they're just—They're complicated, you know?
What I need to do right now is just focus on work and forget about men.
I think that's the smartest thing you've said all night.
Hi. I'm going up to apartment 9.
Hello?
- Get off me! - Get off of her. Come on. Bad dog!
Are you okay?
I guess he likes you.
Whoa! Hey. I think you might still be a little shaken up.
No, no, no. I'm fine.
I just got weak... knee— knees.
You know, you should really learn to control yourself.
I mean, control your dog...
Oh. He's not my dog. I walk him for my neighbor. She had her hip replaced.
"Not my dog." Right. That's what you say to avoid a lawsuit—
Come on, Hamlet. No means no, dude!
I am so sorry.
He's a horny bastard, isn't he?
- I wouldn't know. I just met him. - I was talking about the dog.
I know. I know that.
Can I get you anything, like a Kleenex or a cigarette?
No, I'm fine, really.
Look, it was nice to meet you... nice meeting you too
Oh! Hamlet. Great Dane.
- I get it. That's clever for a dog name. - Yeah, I thought so too.
Oh, my God. I gotta go. Bye.
Come on in.
Wow. This place is amazing.
Holly Payton. Oh, Amanda Pierce.
The rent's $500. You can pay cash,
check, money order, cash—
Can I see the room first?
Ta-da. Here it is... Wow.
It looks like a closet... Oh!
Closets don't have windows.
Besides, this...
is the closet.
I mean, how much room do you need to sleep?
But shoes, they need their space.
Now, we have a lot of people interested, so what is it that you do?
Oh, I work over—You work?
I like you. Did I mention you're in the lead for the apartment?
Hey... Oh, you're back.
This is Amanda. She works.
Amanda, this is Roxana Miloshslah—
Miloslavzniakova... Hi.
- Hi. It's nice to meet you. - You know what's nice? Paying the rent, that's nice.
G'day. I'm Candi. With an "I."
- Mm. Amanda. - I had a pet dingo named Amanda once.
- A pet dingo? - Yeah, but me dad backed over her with a tractor.
I was find in' pieces of her all summer— tops of trees, my little sister's hair—
Thank you, Candi. This is Jade. Oh, God, not the ring.
Wow. That's an incredible diamond. You engaged?
No, it would take a lot more carats than this.
You're not a smokergirl, are you?
No... That's how we all got put together.
We are the last four non smoking models...
on the whole island of Manhattan.
Oh, my God. You're all models.
Yeah. Oh, don't envy us. We're struggling.
- In this apartment? - Our agency lets us stay here for free.
We like to rent the extra closet — room—for spending money.
I don't think she likes them, the models.
No, my boyfriend just left me for a model.
It's not any of you... Whew!
I'm glad we don't have to go through that one again.
Then we'll all get along fine.
No problem. Welcome.
I love you.
That was good English, Dieter.
Hey, Mandy. You want a blouse?
Oh, no. Okay.
Phooey. This shirt makes me look like heroin addict.
And not in a good way.
Oh. Here. Take mine. I wore it once before anyway.
What are you going to wear? I'll just take hers.
- Say what? - She wants to try on your top. Give it.
What's going on here?
Hey. Did you know there are two guys just waiting in the hall for you?
Only two?
The longer we wait, the more money they'll spend.
Okay, let's back it up, boys.
See if there's anything you like, Amanda.
Oh, no, no. I'm not really interested in men right now.
Oh, but they seem like great guys.
Yeah, they all seem like great guys when they know you're watching.
You gotta learn to look past what they want you to see.
That guy right there— Suit's Hugo Boss, but it's straight off the rack.
Tie's a Gucci knockoff, and those shoes—
Girl, that's between him and Payless.
But check this guy. See that bulge in hispants?
That's either a necklace box from Tiffany's or—
Oh, hell. I'll take him either way.
So you pick relationships based on clothing and gifts.
No, we pick them based on personality.
- Now pick a guy so we can go. - Oh, I don't think I can afford to go out with you guys.
Actually, I know that I can't.
We don't pay. We're models.
What does someone like you do?
I'm a paintings conservator at the Met, specializing in Renaissance art.
Oh. Right now I'm restoring this one painting—
Titian's Bacchanal... Yeah.
Uh, and-and one of the faces is blank,
and there's absolutely no historical record of what it looked like,
so it's up to me to complete it.
Yeah, we should definitely talk more about that later.
Hi, Candi with an "I.".. Oh, hi, Mandy.
Facial-Flex?
Oh, no, I'm—I'm good, thanks.
Wow. You have a really symmetrical nose.
Thank you.
So why aren't you going out with them?
Oh, I can't go out in public yet.
The agency made me get an operation. My earlobes were uneven.
You know, Candi, some of the really great faces aren't necessarily symmetrical.
Yeah, the beauty's often in the flaws.
You're an odd bird, you know that?
Wow. We have quite a view here... Yeah.
No way... What? It's him.
It's who? That guy—
Mr. Fish Tank? Oh, his name's Jim Winston.
But his head doesn't normally look that big.
- It's the water that makes it look that way. - How do you know?
Oh, I know a lot about water.
Australia's an island, you know.
I mean, how do you know his name is Jim Winston?
Oh. He's a fashion executive.
The girls tell me he's the hottest young guy in the business.
So you want him, eh? Why do you say that?
That look on your face.
I used to see it all the time when I'd catch me Uncle Pete lookin' at me.
There's no look. I was just shocked because I recognized someone.
Besides, I never go out with guys like that, even if I were going out, which I'm not, so—
You want me to find out where he works? No.
No, I just told you, I don't care if I ever see him again.
Hamlet! Get off her.
It's you.
Again.
Hamlet definitely seems to like you.
You mean, he doesn't just tackle anybody? No.
He tackles everybody, but he only drools on his favorites.
Well, I'm flattered.
You're funny... Whoop!
Oh! You really should have somebody take a look at those knees.
You know, they've never done this before. I'm gonna have to see a psychiatrist.
I mean, a leg doctor, because obviously it's a leg problem.
- At least let me buy you another latte. - Ah, no, thanks, Jim.
How do you know my name?
I don't remember introducing myself. But you did, Jim. Remember?
I'm Amanda and that's Hamlet. Jim, Amanda, Hamlet.
I think I'd remember a beautiful name like Amanda.
But you didn't. Anyway, sorry.
I can't go out with you. For coffee.
I didn't mean go out with you, just go out with you for coffee.
Not even to replace this one, Which I can't.
I got to run, I mean I got to go
So why didn't you have coffee with him?
Because that's what I would normally do... What?
I'd have coffee with him, I'd move in...
and find myself alone on a beach in Waikiki...
while he's off with the slut that runs the pearl-diving concession.
Oh, yeah, it happened.
- Is that the new C.K. girl? - Uh-huh.
- She's cute. - You know, I heard they gave her 11 million dollars.
She looks 14, though... Hello.
She's 12.
Question. If these guys are your dates, why do you make them stand over there?
Have you ever spent an entire evening with one of these guys?
It's all, "You're beautiful in that dress." "You look beautiful in this light."
"Come marry me and be the queen of my country."
So Holly worked out the "You sit over there" system. It works.
- You know, she turned down a full ride at Stanford. - Yeah.
Really? Why'd you do that? Sweetheart, look at me.
What do I need Stanford for? Mm-hmm.
That's $120. I don't—It's 1,200.
Twelve hundred dollars? Relax.
Ladies, may I have the honor of taking you to dinner?
Thank you. That's so sweet.
It's nothing.
If you say you're not interested in him,
why are you watching him? I'm not.
Well, I am, but only to prove to you that he has some huge flaw.
How do you know that?
Because I'm attracted to him.
What a cute little bunny. Look.
Okay, there's the flaw. He has a love child.
Who's that woman that just walked in?
He can't have a love child without a lover.
And that scumbag invited me out for coffee.
Then how do you explain the husband-looking guy with the baby pouch in front of his chess?
A little menage a trois action. Yeah.
I bet they don't even know which one the father is. Eww!
Ah, schoolgirls. That's sweet.
Yeah. Seems sweet.
Unfortunately, what we're about to find out is they're underage prostitutes... dressedas Catholic girls.
See that? He's giving them money.
I think the money's probably for all those candy bars he's buying.
Those little whores are good.
They even bring the props.
Okay, pace yourself.
Twenty-six.
Oh-ho... Stop it.
Now, I am looking very hard, okay,
and I can't see any flaws.
He's like Mr. Perfect.
A little too perfect, maybe? Gay perfect?
He wears boxers, and there are no framed portraits of his mother.
Trust me, that man is not gay.
You know, I can't decide whether he looks better with clothes on or off.
- These are great pictures, Jade... I know.
Let me see, let me see— Oh.
Candi, your eyes—your whole face is beautiful.
- Why do they keep making you get work done? - Bulk discount.
Look, Amanda, he's having a party. It's the best time for you to talk to him.
Yeah, except that I'm not invited. So what? We crash.
That's a really great way to talk to someone—
getting turned away from his party.
Who would keep models away from a party?
Hello. Every man there is gonna be saying, "I wish more models would show up at this party."
- No, thanks, anyway. - Stop the pose. You know you're into him.
I am not... Um, excuse me?
Busted.
So? He just happens to have a Renaissance structure to his face.
Mm-hmm. I mean, what's the point?
He's in the fashion business. He probably only dates... you know.
Promiscuous women? No. Models.
Fine. If you think he wants a model,
we will give him a model.
Oh, no. No!
- Make over! - If you change your mind I'm the first in line
Honey, I'm still free. Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know. Gonna be around
If you got no place to go when you're feelin' down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey, I'm still free take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain 't no lie
Can you put me to the test. Can you let me try
Take a chance on me
I can't wear this. I look like a skank.
You can wear it, honey. I'm just not sure how long you'll keep it on.
Ok. Remember, when you walk in, you're the most beautiful woman in the room.
Well, you're in the top four... True.
Oh, and keep your cheeks clenched.
Not those. These.
Okay. Allright. Here comes—
Hey, Jimmy, a piece of heaven fell into my office today, I swear to God.
And she signed with you, Nick. When did she get the third eye removed?
Ladies. Ladies.
Ladies, the first glass was free,
but this one is gonna cost ya.
My God.
Hey, Ivan. Harold.
Hey, Jimmy, just got some new samples in. You wanna open 'em now or later?
I will take her now...
and her later.
Bernie! Megan!
Just because we work together doesn't mean We can't, you know—
I mean, why do you have to act all—Excuse me.
Hey, Jade? I'll see you. Yeah?
- Where are you going? - I think I was wrong about Jim. I'm out.
So, what was that you were saying about me?
Hold it! Wait!
Amanda? Jim!
I didn't recognize you without your big, drooling dog.
I barely recognize you.
Yeah, I live with models. I was their science project tonight.
So, you're a model.
Oh, yeah. Supermodel.
I meant to say that I hope you're not a model.
You're not like most of the women I see at these parties.
What is it you do? I restore paintings at the Met.
- Really? - Yeah. That's why I'm leaving.
I wish I could leave.
Why? You seemed like you were having a great time.
Well, my job basically consists of kissing ass and smiling while I do it.
Ah... But that's not really me.
So the split personality emerges. You're really two different people.
You could look at it that way.
We'd, uh, both like to talk to you.
Well, I don't want to keep you two from your party, so—
Hey, as far as we're concerned, you are the party.
Alright! Ha-ha!
But why did she leave you? I mean, you're practically perfect.
I mean, it sounds like you two were a great couple.
You know what my problem is?
I think everybody's basically good. Then I fall for them right away.
And then I get disappointed.
Hmm. I know exactly what you mean.
Not saying that I was ever the best boyfriend.
Work kept me away for long hours. She thought it was dangerous.
She thought the fashion business was dangerous?
Dangerous. To my health.
You know, stressful.
Well, I'd hate to see anything happen to you,
and I only just met you.
There you are. Jim.
Come back to the party, man. There's somebody I Want you to meet.
Great. Was the chairman able to make it? Oh, no, not the chairman.
Just some V.I.P.s in from Antwerp.
Okay, okay. Hold on a second.
Remember that ass I hate kissing?
Well, this is Belgian ass. The worst.
Well, I wouldn't know, but I'll take your word for it.
Hey, maybe we could meet on purpose next time.
A date?
Yeah.
You know, actually, my schedule's pretty crazy the next few weeks.
Uh— Yeah, me too. I have this big project at the museum.
And Mr. Rankin—Goodnight, Jim... Good night.
Amanda. Huh?
My jacket. Oh.
Thanks... Jim, come on.
Forget about that one. This party's swarming with 'em. Come on.
Amanda!
I...
wanna...
go out with you.
Asthma? Only when I'm under stress.
Look,
I usually hide in my work—I mean, behind my work.
So I don't hurt anyone... I mean, get hurt.
I think we're both alike.
You mean, inarticulate? Yeah.
That's the word I was looking for.
What are you doing Saturday? Huh?
Whoa! I thought I told you to get those knees looked at.
And you know What? What?
He likes me without the dress and the makeup and the stiletto heels.
Oh, Mandy, maybe the next one will work out for you.
Mmm, there's not gonna be a next one. He is the one. Oh! Oops!
[Thudding]
There you are! We thought you got a room.
You guys looked so cute together.
Guess what... What?
He totally kissed me. Oh!
- You go, girl! - You are in love with him.
Oh! Who's that?
Oh, it's—Another woman.
Maybe they're just good friends.
Then why is he closing the blinds? He never closes the blinds.
- Maybe she's his sister. - We are not in the outback, Candi.
Amanda. We are so sorry. Our creep radar didn't go off with him at all.
It's okay. I haven't been able to believe my eyes or my heart.
- Why should my knees be any different, right? - You know what? Forget him.
- Why don't you come out with us? - No, no, no. You guys go ahead.
You sure? Uh-huh. I'm totally fine.
Oh, Mandy, I can't see you, but I know you must be sad.
My God.
- Oh, my God! - Did someone scream?
Temporary blindness has improved my hearing.
You guys, get out here.
What? Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
- What's happening? - Are they having sex?
- I think he killed her. - How do you mean, "killed"?
Killed, as in dead.
Well, Where's the body? Huh?
She's gone. She was lying right there.
Where are you going? You're calling him?
Yeah, I wanna make sure he didn't hurt himself while he was killing the blonde.
- That's so sweet. - I'm calling the police.
Hi. Um, I'd like to report a murder.
I'll hold.
How many screams did you hear? Just one.
It's right here? It's right here.
And so you turned around and, poof, the body just disappears?
I didn't say "poof", I believe I said "bam." And bam, the body's gone.
I'm sure it is.
Hello, Officer. What's happening? Okay.
So, what exactly did this Winston guy do?
Well, there were the Catholic schoolgirls—
What did he do with the schoolgirls?
He was buying candy bars. But that's not—
- Were the schoolgirls witnesses or accomplices? - Well, I don't know,
but Mr. Perfect sure did spend a lot of money.
Who's Mr. Perfect? We call him Mr. Perfect...
- because of the old lady, the big dog and the love child. - The love child?
Look, forget about the love child. I will tell you exactly what I saw—
We saw him lifting. So the body didn't disappear? You saw him lift it?
No! We saw him lift himself up and down, up and down.
Yeah, he gets very sweaty.
- Okay, so you didn't see him lift the body? - Like I told you before—
- We were in middle of wardrobe change. - Was anybody else in the room?
I was in the room, yes.
Ok. I think I've heard as much as I need.
Look, I don't think you're taking this very seriously.
Hey, to be honest, I don't believe any of this.
Bunch of bored models sitting around sniffing a little nailpolish,
and then suddenly, bam, you think you see something.
Don't get all hysterical. I'm still gonna investigate it. This's my job.
Nobody pays me $1,000 a day to sit on my duff looking pretty.
Big surprise, Sparky.
You know, a serious crime has been committed, and all you're doing is insulting me and my friends.
I want your badge number.
Here it is. That's if you can count this high.
- Let's go... - Good evening ladies... Goodbye.
Hey... You guys just getting home? It's 7:00 in the morning.
Yeah. The team had to fly to Atlanta... Yeah.
- So I guess Jim didn't do it. - Why do you say that? Is it in the paper?
No. He's standing right there in his apartment.
What the—
No, I will not "buzz off" until you tell me why Winston is still in his apartment.
Is he out on bail? Do murderers usually get bail?
No, sometimes we just release 'em for fun.
Look, no body, no crime. Then how do you explain what I saw?
The woman, Megan O'Brien? She tripped over a rug.
When you turned your back, Mr. Winston picked her up.
- So he's not a killer. - Actually, he seems like a great guy.
And this Megan woman, she's okay?
I guess.
What do you mean you guess? It's a yes-or-no question.
Look, we haven't talked to her yet. She's out of town on business. We'll track her down.
Ok. When you talk to her, can you call me immediately?
This is very important to me...
Sure, Ms. Pierce. I'll put your number in the precinct speed dial right now.
Jackass.
Not one step further... This place is filthy.
Oh, Amanda, I was talking to my shrink this morning, and she said that you were projecting.
What you thought you saw Jim do through the window...
was actually your own desire to kill all your ex-boyfriends.
Why are you talking to your therapist about me?
She says I talk way too much about myself.
Amanda, we came down here because we decided you should keep your date with Jim guy.
I mean... Come on... He's too cute to be a killer. And you said yourself the cops don't have anything on him, so—
Look, you guys, I appreciate the effort. Really, I do. But guess what.
I am not going out with Mr. Psycho Killer guy, so go home.
- Please don't make them go home. - Amanda, seriously.
- You really don't know what happened. - That is not true.
- You guys didn't see what I saw. - And you didn't see what we saw...
- when you were on the stairs with him. - And what was that?
- That you're crazy sick in love. - That is not true. I am 100% over him.
Yeah. That's why you spent the whole morning staring at that drawing of his face.
So? Big deal. He has a good face.
And yeah, maybe there's some mysterious yet valid explanation for what I saw.
But why should I go out with him when he's shaping up to be a bigger liar than the rest of them?
So What? All men lie. We know that.
Exactly. If you don't like what the police aren't doing, start your own investigation.
- What are you— - That way you can find out if he's nice or a slasher.
Or if he's lying about being married. Don King fooled me on that one— twice.
Look! I don't care about him!
Amanda, if you don't sort this out,
you'll never have a good relationship for the rest of your life.
You'll end up a pathetic, lonely old woman...
who makes her co-workers watch videos of her cat's lame-ass birthday parties.
You say what you want about me, tramp,
but don't you go bad-mouthing Jane-cat!
Enough! Everyone shut up and listen to me!
All of you. I don't care about him.
I don't care about baby-sitting or his eyes or the fact that he can do a zillion "pully-uppy" things on that bar.
And I don't care about his sexy grin...
or the fact that he can make me laugh even when his dog is trying to hump me.
And I really don't care...
that I fall asleep every night dreaming about him.
Because I am not crazy!
I saw him kill that girl, and I know it.
I'm gonna have red beans for dinner.
Gladys! What?
I only caught about every fifth word, but that girl is head over heels.
I am not!
Look, fine. I will investigate him.
I will stalk his ass just to prove there is something seriously off with this guy...
and all of you are just too stupid to see it.
Can I help you?
We were in apartment 403 last night, and we want to be...
discreet, you understand? We left some clothes.
Well, She means to say our...
black, French-cut crotchless panties.
And the rest of the props from our act.
So you will help us, no?
Sure. I'll trade you his key for that dress.
Whoo! Mitch, are you a nasty boy?
Look, don't blame me. I didn't break the elevator.
Mandy!
Sorry. What exactly are we looking for?
Evidence. Anything that may indicate he's a cold-blooded killer.
Look. It's him with his grandparents.
That is very cute. Look at him.
Hello. Hi. Girl who has a date with a potential murderer in four days.
Could we get back to work, please? Jim might be home any minute.
Relax. We called his office. He's gonna be in a meeting all day.
Yeah, and Holly's waiting for a phone call, so she's keeping lookout.
Yeah, I'm 17. Uh-huh.
Year I was born?
Look at this. What is it?
Dirty laundry. He's got a whole pile just sitting on a chair in his bedroom.
So? I hate that.
Look. It has a blood stain on it.
That's why I brought it out. He didn't presoak.
That baby's set for life. This is going into evidence.
Oh, yeah, good. Now make love to the shirt. Good!
Love the shirt. Make love to the shirt.
Now hate it. It hates you.
Bad shirt!
There's a yellow stain right next to it. It's probably—
It's ketchup.
That's amazing. She's a bleedin' Sherlock Holmes.
Amanda, If you find 20-dollar bill on the floor of somebody else's apartment,
is that the same as finding it on the street?
No... Then I haven't found anything.
Oh, yes, you have. Where did you find that? It's a box of knives.
Not just knives. Daggers. Yeah.
Cheese daggers.
This Gouda's not bad.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, shit!
Where the hell are they?
Hey, hey, hey! What do I do? What do I do?
Oh, God!
- What are you all doing? - This is where she fell.
Couldn't the police be right?
What the hell was that?
A kiwi! Oh!
What is she doing? Charades?
I love charades. Okay.
Sounds like—No.
No props in charades.
No props and no clothes.
Uncle Pete's rules.
EW! Okay, Candi. No more stories from the dark farm.
Pretty please? Hey.
What? Jim's in the hallway?
Everybody, hide!
I was here first. You shh! Shh! Shut up!
Vince, it's me.
Yeah. Yeah, the breakfast meeting went well.
I had to eat more of those damn pierogies,
but I should get a meeting with the chairman soon.
Okay. Perfect.
No. Don't go in there. Oh!
[Groans][Turd Plops]
[Farting, Turds Plopping]
[Groaning, Sighing][LooseStools Splashing]
[Farting, Splashing Sounds]
What's going on in there?
[Farting, Splashing, Plopping Continue]
[Farting, Groaning]
[WaterRunning, FaucetSqueaking]
[Gasping, Gagging, Coughing]
Let me just say, if he hadn't have washed his hands,
this investigation would be over right here.
So, he sounds pretty damn normal.
Yeah. Nothing really shouts out "psycho killer,"
but I still feel like I'm missing something.
- Ah! Hey.
Sorry. Hope I didn't scare you.
- Jim, How'd you get in here? - Oh, I mentioned your name. The guard let me in.
Ah. Oh, so you're Jim.
- The Jim. - Nice to know I've been talked about.
You have no idea.
This is my friend, Lisa. She has a black belt in karate.
Hey-hey-hey. Me too.
I'm sorry for barging in, but I couldn't wait all the way until saturday to see you.
Hey, is this Titian? Yeah. You know Titian?
Literally the only thing I remember from art history.
Hey, do you wanna go grab a drink?
Uh, I can't.
I'm not comfortable with you— I mean, leaving with you—
I mean leaving without finishing this here.
I understand. I'll let you get back to it.
I'm sorry if I scared you, but it's just me, not some psycho killer.
For you.
Hey, just curious. Did the police ever contact that woman or find her body?
Thanks a lot. You couldn't just let me enjoy that for a second, could you?
Maybe you better keep investigating.
Been runnin' so long
I've nearly lost all track of time
In every direction
I couldn't see the warnin' signs
I must be losin' it
Cause my mind plays tricks on me
It looked so easy
But you know looks sometimes deceive
Been runnin'so fast
Right from the starting line
No more connections
I don't need any more advice
One hand's just reachin' out
And one's just hangin' on
It seems my weaknesses
Just keep goin' strong
Head over heels where should I go
Can't stop myself Out of control
Head over heels No time to think
Looks like the whole world's out of sync
That's Winston. I swear the women just flock after him.
Is that her? The short one?
I think so. Last time I saw her, she was all dolled up.
Well, we better check her out, make sure we don't have another Megan O'Brien on our hands.
- For your collection. - Oh. I have just the shoes for this.
- What do you want? - Does he rent a storage space?
This better be important. It's me.
- Guess what. I found it. - Found what?
The body.
Jim kept it in a duffel bag in his storage space— the only place we didn't search.
In a duffel bag? Where are you now?
Central Park, a perfect place to bury a body.
I mean, who comes hereafter dark besides murderers?
Oh, Wait, Wait. He stopped. Go, go, go, go, go. Go past.
Stop up there.
Whose cottage cheese is this? Shh!
Hold on a second. Thank you. Keep the change.
All right, I'm following him into the woods.
Do you think that maybe one of us should hang up and call the police?
Don't hang up on me. This is it.
He's put it down.
Oh, my God, he just pulled out a shovel. He's gonna bury it right here.
Oh, my God!
Wait. Maybe it's not a shovel.
Well, what is it? It's—
It's a baseball bat. Run!
Oh. For a Little League team.
He coaches a Little League team.
That is so sweet.
Isn't that sweet?
Hello? Hello?
Amanda, please tell us you're gonna stop investigating him now?
Only long enough to go out with him.
Oh, is this the—
Okay, kind sir.
I don't mean to be discriminatory,
but there is an age limit to get on the waiting list.
Oh. No, no, no. Uh, uh, pardon me. My name is Halloran.
I'm here to see Ms. Amanda Pierce about some work.
We spoke on the phone.
It's very unusual. Russian, turn-of-the-century?
Well, I'm impressed. You know your stuff.
What are these... holes?
- I think mice. - Oh. Very neat mice.
Oop. Excuse us.
I booked my first big runway show tomorrow.
Great!
Oh. Huh.
Nice view.
Yeah, if you're into that sort of thing.
We usually keep the blinds closed.
Big Jim! How's it goin'? Uh, Bernie.
Hey, listen. Whatever happened to Megan? It's like she disappeared.
Megan? Megan O'Brien.
You know, the blonde? It's weird. Nobody's seen her since your party.
- What the hell happened to her? - You know, I don't— I don't know if I, uh—
I think she went on vacation.
Vacation? During fashion week? That's crazy!
It's good to see you, Bern.
Anything look good for dessert?
Mmm. Everything.
- We'll have everything. - Very good, sir.
What? Are you kidding? No.
I'm not in a rush. Are you? No!
This is awesome.
Do you realize that every time you took a bite of something good at dinner, you made a little sound?
Like, mmm. No, no. I did? Oh, God.
It's like a cat purring, or—
I just— I like it, that's all.
Okay, they made it to the dessert course without any bloodshed.
Can we go to party now? Yeah, let's hurry.
I'm getting hives just from being around all these ugly people.
EWW. Guys, get serious.
I told you I think he killed that Megan girl.
We never should have pushed Amanda to go out with him.
The fashion world is complicated.
It's all about the next thing.
Everybody's running around all crazy, looking for some new idea,
but they're too frantic to actually experience it.
That's not what I want. Well, what do you want?
To know a good thing when I find it.
Like tonight, and the way you look.
You make me feel—
I just wish I could freeze this moment and hold onto it, you know? Mm-hmm.
Let's get outta here. What? What about dessert?
Yeah. Uh, sorry. Do me a favor.
Meet me outside, okay? Okay.
Oh, no! They're coming at us!
Amanda will freak if she sees us.
It's Jim. Again!
Oh, God, please. Please, just let him pee.
Did you lock the door? Yeah.
Yeah. We only got a few minutes. Whip that bad boy out.
Here you go. That is huge.
All right, I'm gonna stick it in now. Sweet.
Ah! Ah, man, careful!
Don't worry. I've stuffed it into tighter holes than this!
No, I'm out with her right now.
Fine. Fine! They want a body, I'll give 'em a goddamn body.
Jeez! YoW!
What are you doing? It's gonna blow, man! Get out!
That can't be good.
Shit!
Okay, don't move.
Uh, hey, hey, Jim? What's going on here? Where are we exactly?
Alright. You can open 'em up now.
Well, I light the sun
And the darkness will turn into light Jim, how did you—
I know some people. I used to clean the aquariums here when I was a kid.
They're amazing.
Yeah, they're beluga whales.
That's, um, Ben...
and that's Betty.
That's Ben's second wife. Oh.
Whenever I get stressed out, I come here, watch these guys, try to be more like them.
Mr. Fish Tank... What?
Mr. Fish Tank... That's what Candi—
Now I see the world That's what I'm gonna start calling you.
For the first time
Cause I'll light the sun
And the darkness will turn into light
Now I see the world
For the first time
Butterfly flies and a bird doesn't swim
You told me you'd get—Wait.
This might not seem like the most guy-like thing to say,
but do you think we're moving too fast?
I mean, you hardly know me.
Oh, I feel like I know you all too well.
Somehow, already.
You're right. I've wanted to do this ever since Hamlet first drooled on you.
Me too.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
At first sight? It's too easy.
I believe in taking a deeper look.
So I keep waiting and waiting and waiting
Watch it, stinky! You smell like poop.
- Do you think we should tell Amanda? - I don't know!
Ugh! It's probably nothing.
- We should probably say something. - Yeah, but...
I definitely don't want to be the one that ruins their relationship.
Which seems to be going very well. They're really clicking sexually.
- How do you know? - She forgot to pull down the blinds!
Okay. I'm starting a new religion.
It's called "Amanda-ism,"
and basically it's me worshipping you.
Well then, it's time for a little confession.
You have to start telling me a little bit more about yourself.
Like what? Anything.
Just tell me all your secrets.
Well, I'm not really a secrets kind of guy.
Come on!
- Everybody has some secrets. - Well... there is one fact I've been hiding from you.
I happen to be a master... of daggers.
What is he doing?
Jade, I think you were wrong about those cheese knives.
A master of daggers? Oh, yes.
You know, I was just teasing.
Oh, my God. I should have never let her go over there tonight.
Now I know your secret... What?
You throw like a girl.
Whoa!
Oh, man! I forgot to close the blinds.
Darling, after that performance, I want to be your friend.
Yeah. Hey, how'd you do that thing with your back?
Okay. I can get really freaked out about this, but guess what.
Jim is taking me to Shelter Island for the weekend,
and he says he has something important he wants to tell me.
Congratulations. You bag him. AWW.
I know, I know. I don't wanna get too excited,
but we're leaving early, so I gotta get to work.
- Wow, that was fast. - Okay, if they get married, I'll throw a shower.
- I'll do the pictures. - I do groomsmen.
Hold on. He's taking her away?
Maybe permanently away? Oh.
Hey, Roxana, could I borrow that Richard Tyler thing again?
I don't know. I give to you, I may never see again.
Come on... Fine. Take it away.
Thanks.
Wait.
Did I miss something here?
At yesterday's show, I heard some guy...
ask Jim about that woman who disappeared, and—
And you were worried about me... Well, yeah.
Hey, you guys. Thought we could walk to work together.
Lisa, I only live a block from the museum.
Thought you could use the company.
Look, Holly, please. Don't be worried. It's okay.
I have followed him, I have searched his apartment,
and now that I know him intimately—
Darling, you left the blinds up. We all know him intimately.
Believe me, Amanda, We really want it to work out between you and Jim.
I mean, if it could work out for you guys after all this—
Yeah, I mean, now we're all beachfront property in the Hamptons,
but in a few years, we're gonna be condos in Jersey.
I am gonna want a real relationship before that happens—
preferably with a four-carat ring, D-flawless.
- Oh, that is so sweet. - Yeah, me too. Only I want A-flawless.
Roxy, there is no "A." Diamond ratings start With "D."
Ha-ha, you can't fool me. I Want "A."
Nice work, Amanda.
Yes, the face is perfect.
Yes, it is.
Come over and see it sometime. All right, I will.
No.
I've been impressed with the way you do business.
We very much appreciate how you've handled the little problem with the woman.
Oh, that was no problem. I do have a question, though.
Antwerp. Yes.
- How does the money get back here? - Don't worry. I'm going to explain everything to you.
I have plans to increase your role within the organization.
Excellent. Where are we meeting?
- There's time for just a brief meeting out on the runway at 5:00. - Great. Which airport?
- Uh, which one? What's that? - Jim! Mr. Halloran.
- Amanda. - What's this?
All she did was trip over a rug. Then you helped her up. Why is she dead?
What are you talking about?
This is the woman I saw in your apartment,
the woman I saw killed by you.
What? What do you mean, "saw"?
Ok. My apartment overlooks yours, and I can see everything that you do.
I know, I know I should have told you, but I didn't.
Mr. Halloran knows. Well, wait a minute. How do you know Mr. Halloran?
Amanda, oh, my God. We really need to talk.
Amanda. Let's get to the car. We're running late, aren't we?
I'm not going anywhere with you.
I think we should all have a talk.
Aaah! Let go of me!
Follow them! Shh!
I was wrong about the girls. They did see something. Let's take care of this.
I can't believe this is happening.
You're gonna whack me. You're gonna take me to New Jersey and whack me!
Stop it, okay? I'm not gonna whack you.
Why was Mr. Halloran shooting at me? Because he's not Mr. Halloran.
He's Vadim Strukov, a very well-connected Russian criminal.
- So what? Are you a cop? - Kind of.
"Kind of"? Let me see your badge!
- I don't have one. - Why don't you have a badge?
- Because I'm undercover. - Oh, hey, you know what? I'm undercover too.
Did you wanna see my badge? Oopsie! I don't have one! Let me out!
Will you stop it? What's the matter with you?
But I saw you. I saw you murder that woman.
No, you didn't. There was no murder.
That whole thing was staged for Strukov,
who was on a roof across the courtyard watching.
What are you talking about?
I'm a federal agent. With the F.B.I.?
So's Megan.
F.B.I.? Yes.
Megan's cover got blown, so we staged it as a way for me to prove my loyalty.
That picture in the Post? We planted it.
Strukov was getting suspicious that no body had turned up.
Oh. Well, what do these Russian guys do?
Criminals like Strukov make hundreds of millions of illegal dollars.
They can't just put it in a bank. They find a young hotshot like me.
They give me the money, I buy the dresses from Antwerp.
Then they import them back here, and the money's clean.
But hundreds of millions of dollars. They must be selling a lot of dresses.
But they're not. They sell hardly any.
- How do they get their money back? - I was about to find out...
before you showed up early and blew my cover.
Well, I was only early because I was so excited about going away for the weekend with you.
Amanda, I'm sorry.
I didn't plan to meet you or to get so involved with you or—
Hold on. I think I'm getting through.
Hey. It looks like Halloran is actually Vadim Strukov. He's the chairman.
It was under my nose the whole time.
He was talking about a meeting on a runway at 5:00, but I don't know which airport.
Cover 'em all. Wait. Those were bullet holes in Mr. Halloran's painting.
What? What are you talking about?
I'm privately restoring a painting for Mr. Halloran. That's how we met.
- Oh, my God, it was a Russian painting. - He's been to your apartment?
Why, you think my roommates are in danger?
Oh, crap.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon. Waiting list does not begin for another five hours.
Okay, maybe you can jump the list.
Stay here.
F.B.I.! Freeze!
Put your hands on your head. Not you, girls. Him.
Hamlet, stay. Hamlet, no!
Oh, these handcuffs are too tight.
Okay, would somebody friendly please tell me what is going on?
- Jim's an undercover F.B.I. agent. - No, he not.
Everybody knows he's Jim Winston.
Oh, my God. Jim Winston isn't even your real name.
I slept with a man, and I don't even know his real name.
- Okay, so what's your real name? - It's, uh, Smoot.
Bob Smoot. "Bob Smoot."
Hi... I'm gonna die handcuffed next to a guy named Bob Smoot?
I can't die here. This place is full of ugly dresses.
Jim or Bob or whateveryour name is,
if ever you're pretending to be in the fashion business again, a little note:
except for strippers, women like jewelry on their fingers, not on their tits.
Maybe there are a lot of strippers in Antwerp.
Antwerp? Nobody makes dresses in Antwerp.
The only thing that comes from Antwerp is diamonds... Good ones.
What are you doing?
Stop it. Stop it! That's disgusting!
Stop it!
Smoot is kinky.
If that was a rhinestone,
I would have been able to crush it instead of chipping my tooth.
Huh? The dresses.
I was so obsessed about tracking the money, I forgot about the dresses.
Antwerp— Russia.
They were never laundering money. They were smuggling diamonds.
But you can go to Tiffany's and have a fat businessman buy you all the diamonds you want.
Yeah, but not Russian diamonds. It's illegal to take diamonds out of country.
Oh, Holly, you borrowed my panties again... Diamonds?
That's why Strukov never let me take one for girlfriend.
Or wife. Bastard!
Harold, I'll make a deal with you right now.
Get us out of here and turn state's evidence,
I guarantee they'll go easy on you.
Think about it, Harold. Federal witness protection program.
We're booking people into Hawaii right now.
Tsk, tsk. Harold.
Whoa. At least he wasn't lying about that black belt.
What are you doing? It's evidence.
What are you doing? Tennis bracelet.
You see? The diamonds are replaced by cheap zirconiums...
before they go to the shipping floor.
So everything we've been through together has been a lie. No, not everything.
Just the little things.
Like your name, your job, the fact that all of your ex's are in the witness protection program?
The limo! Get in the limo!
Excuse me... Who the hell are you people?
Hey, hey! This is my limo!
My limo! Ladies! OW!
- Stay down! - Don't worry. I got the limo at the Jackie auction.
- It's totally bulletproof. - Mr. Alfredo?
Oh, my God. I'm Candi, and let me just say, it's such an honor to meet you.
Oh, thank you, dear, but don't tease.
It's bad enough that half my models canceled on me with the flu.
What am I supposed to do for my 5:00 runway show?
Who's that? It's Alfredo.
Everybody knows Alfredo does the hottest runway.
Yeah.
RunWay? What? What is it?
Jesus... So, Alfredo, do you need models?
Well, what the hell have I been saying?
Well, what the hell do we look like?
Vince, it's Jim. Look, I don't think—Models with attitude.
It could be a fashion show runway... I like it. You're hired all.
Hey, you know we're still being chased by those Russian guys.
We lost those losers ages ago, and your hanging with the Jim-man just got us a good gig.
I know I screwed up. No, I had him, but lost him.
Look, Amanda showed up early and blew my cover.
No, I didn't tell her Who I—Of course I lied to her.
Look, no—Look, I'm pulling up to the tent right now.
If he's at this show, I could bust him. Trust me.
Hurry up. We're here. Marvelous.
All right. You guys make your way through the crowd and get movin'.
Look, I have to find Strukov, but I am personally making sure that you get out of here.
Aw, gee, thanks, Jim, but you do what's important to you.
I'll be fine on my own.
Oh, thank God.
Allright. This is the last one. Make her beautiful.
Oh, no, but I'm not a model. No!
Let's get cracking, huh?
Forget about the stupid models.
Just get Winston and the Amanda girl and get them out of here.
And for Christ's sake, be discreet.
Don't attract attention.
I look like Stevie Nicks!
Ohh—Hey, hey! Where you going?
Holly!
I Wish I was a stranger who wanders down the sky
I wish I was a starship in silence flying by
I wish I was a princess with armies at her hand
I wish I was a ruler who'd make them understand
I wish I was a writer who sees what's yet unseen
I wish I was a prayer expressing what I mean
Get off me! Will you get this woman off me?
Move your hands!
Amanda, trust me.
Leave it to Alfredo to bring a sense of theater back to New York fashion...
with his new slam-bang show tonight.
I should've guessed that if there was gonna be some sort of fashion fiasco...
that you girls would be in the center of it.
The only fashion fiasco here is your haircut, Sparky.
Yeah, that's really—Pardon me, Officer.
Ladies, I just want you to know that you'll each be issued a special commendation...
formeritorious service from the director of the F.B.I.
Agent Smoot says there's no way he could have cracked this case without you.
So, thank you.
That's five separate commendations, if you can count that high.
- Nice Work, Smoot. - Thanks, Megan.
Can I talk to you? Yeah.
I owe you an apology. I, uh—
This is not the best place for this, but, uh,
Listen.
I'm sorry I lied to you, but I'm not sorry I met you.
Not at all.
So, I was hoping that you could forgive me...
and maybe we could start over.
What do you think?
Uh, I don't know, you know. I just, um—
I just ended this relationship with some guy named Jim...
because he wasn't honest with me from the beginning.
I'm not really sure I'm ready to start a new one with who ever you are.
Let's go, Smoot.
We're gonna be filling out paperwork for the rest of our lives.
I know what you're thinking, and this time you're right.
I screwed up.
By the time I realized it, he was already gone,
and now I can't find the one guy I ever really cared about.
Mandy! Oh, you finished.
It's magnificent... Yeah.
Well, at least he was good for something.
Have you talked to him?
No, his phone was disconnected when he moved.
Not that I tried calling him or anything... He moved?
Yeah. It only took two movers five hours to pack and move everything.
Not that I was watching.
It's like he was never really there.
You know, I kind of don't want this reminder for all of eternity. I'm thinking of rubbing him out.
Oh, yeah, I agree. Think you better rub him out.
Amanda, admit it. You're not ready to give up on him.
Why does he only have one eye?
That's 'cause you're looking at the side of his face. He's in profile.
Well, it makes him look like a fish.
I know a lot about water, you know?
Mr. Fish Tank.
Jim?
Hi. I just moved into the neighborhood.
Oh. Where?
A building that faces this one. It's got a great view.
Sounds nice, I think... You Wanna come up and see it?
Oh. I don't know. We've just met.
- I'm Bob Smoot... - Amanda Pierce.
You know, I've gotta be honest with you, Bob—
I know. Smoot is a very strange-sounding name.
It's good to be honest from the get-go.
- So, what's your line of work, Bob? - That's funny you should ask.
I just got promoted to a nice, boring deskjob with the F.B.I.
That's funny. You look a lot like this guy I used to know.
Good guy? Great guy,
but he's not as cute as you.
Come on.
Come here. Come over here.
Wow... Look down there.
- Oh, my God... - I told you that I had a great view.
You know, I heard you shouldn't look into your neighbors' windows.
It only leads to trouble. Well, you can't always believe what you see.
A woman I used to know...
told me that sometimes you need to take a deeper look.
Whoa. That's a weird feeling.
See what I mean?
Can we try that again?
Definitely.
Hey, can you do that thing with your back?